How to Handle a Woman
by Mrs. Bonner
Summary: There is nothing Arthur wouldn't do for his subjects – and that includes matchmaking. A tale of the blind leading the blind … with just a little help from destiny. Not slash.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note: This story is for Kitty O, because she inspires me to write. And because – I think you will all agree - she is prolific and hilarious and gifted and adorable. Kitty, we lift our glasses of Diet A&W Root Beer and salute you.**_

_**If you've seen Lerner and Lowe's musical "Camelot", you will recognize the inspiration for this story. **_

_**Please review. I love reviews - even 1-word reviews. It lets me know you read my story. ...In fact, I hereby initiate the 1-word review challenge for this story. What will your word be? **_

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><p>"Arthur, out with it."<p>

"What are you talking about, _Mer_lin?"

"Riding with you today is almost as fun as wrestling a wilddearen. What exactly has got such a burr in your saddle?"

Arthur was sitting against a fallen tree trunk, looking down at the dirt between his boots. "Nothing," he said, which they both knew actually meant "I don't want to talk about it."

The man seemed utterly morose.

Almost as soon as the Five Kings had officially parted company from the peace talks, and before all of the visitors had even left Camelot's gates, the prince had suddenly insisted on taking a long hunting trip. He had barked at Merlin to finish packing before there had really been a chance to begin, and then to save time, "his highness" had actually gone and saddled the horses himself.

Five exhausting hours of hard riding later, Arthur stopped and dismounted, then threw up his hands in frustration. His horse was missing a shoe. While Merlin was sent to retrace the last few miles of their ride, the prince magnanimously took a nap . When the servant returned empty-handed, Arthur's mood seemed actually worse than before, and Merlin had had enough.

Aside from being irritated and exhausted, Merlin was befuddled. He knew for a fact that the day before, Arthur had been kissed by Gwen in the tournament tent. While his own experience with kissing had been admittedly limited, it had been enough for Merlin to expect Arthur to be in a better mood. What could possibly be bothering him?

"Since you have failed to find the horseshoe, I'm going to have to find a blacksmith. There's a town about six or seven miles from here. I suppose we'll have to camp here, and then walk to town in the morning."

Merlin internally noted that Arthur had not insisted on continuing to the town immediately, which meant he understood Merlin was tired and wanted to rest. Merlin appreciated it, and let the gesture take the edge off of his annoyance. He set about making camp.

"After the week we've had, I suppose we should be grateful to get away for a while," said Merlin, fishing. "At least there aren't any girls around."

"That's debatable," said Arthur.

The insult was pathetically weak, and Merlin simply laughed at it as he cleared space for a small fire circle. "You know, you're really quite good at brooding. I'm sure it takes exhausting effort."

"At least as much effort as you put into your mindless prattling."

"No, for me that definitely comes easily." Merlin began walking around the clearing, finding branches and twigs for burning.

Arthur continued to study the ground. At last Merlin stopped and looked at him.

"Come on, Arthur. Tell me what's wrong."

Arthur looked up at Merlin, and then looked at the ground again. "You wouldn't understand. It's … girl trouble."

"Ah." For once, Merlin wisely said nothing and waited.

"I went to see Guinevere. I wanted to apologize. I thought that after she had..."

He trailed off. Merlin, unbelievably, kept his mouth shut.

"She sent me packing. I don't don't understand it."

Merlin heroically censored himself from uttering the obvious zingers and instead quietly placed kindling in the fire ring.

"One minute a girl is kissing you, and the next she's telling you to get out of her sight," said Arthur. "What can she be thinking?"

Merlin considered that. He thought of Gwen and Vivian. Then he thought of Morgana. "I wouldn't worry too much about not knowing what a woman is thinking. They don't do it very often."

Arthur sighed. Merlin lit the fire.

"I have no idea how I'm supposed to handle Guinevere. I need to figure it out."

"And that's why we've ridden leagues and leagues into the woods today?"

"It's much easier to think out here."

Merlin listened for a moment to the trees rustling quietly. "I suppose it is," he said. This was something Merlin could understand, and it explained why Arthur had lately been so keen on impromptu hunting and fishing trips.

Supper was cooked. Crickets chirped. Companionable peace reigned, until it was replaced by snoring – which neither of them noticed.


	2. Chapter 2

The smithy was closed and the blacksmith was out of town. Neighbors had assured Arthur and Merlin that the craftsman's return was imminent, and thus, the two had agreed that the best plan would be to lodge at the local inn and wait.

The inn was smallish, with six rooms upstairs and a kitchen and great room below. While it was not a palace, it was uncommonly clean – a fact that both Arthur and Merlin appreciated. The innkeeper had shown his guests to their room and informed them that a luncheon of ham and bread would be served downstairs soon. Arthur and Merlin needed no further coaxing, and within minutes had descended to seat themselves at a table in the great room.

"Merlin," said Arthur, an hour later.

"Yes, said Merlin, whose belly was full and whose eyelids were beginning to droop.

"Do you see that little serving wench?"

"The one who brought the food? Yes, what about her?"

"Watch what she's doing."

Merlin watched as the girl went about her work. "She seems a bit distracted, I suppose."

"Distracted by what?" asked Arthur, as if he were Socrates.

"I don't know," said Merlin.

"Watch her," said Arthur.

Merlin watched for a while. "Ah," he said. "She has eyes for the musician."

"Now take a look at the innkeeper," said Arthur.

"Youngest innkeeper I ever saw. He couldn't be any older than you."

"Watch him."

Merlin watched for a few moments. "Do you think the innkeeper is in love with the serving girl?"

"Exactly!" Arthur was pleased with his pupil. "And what do you think of the musician?"

Merlin appraised him. "Not my type," he said.

Arthur socked Merlin in the head.

"Ow."

"The musician is a pompous idiot," said Arthur. "Look at him. He's got that little circle of followers about him. The girls almost all seem to be vying for his attention, but he just toys with them. See how he keeps checking his reflection in the mirror?"

"Arthur, since when did you become such a keen observer of the human condition? Your sensitivity surprises me."

"Shut up, Merlin."

Merlin laughed and continued watching the little drama playing out in front of them.

The serving girl, a sweet, smiling, rosy-cheeked young woman who answered to the name "Heather", took pains to see that the musician's glass remained full. The musician, a man called Seamus, would smile and wink at the girl whenever she appeared at his side. He once even stroked her cheek, making the girl blush prettily.

Something Heather obviously did not know, but which Arthur and Merlin picked up on rather quickly, was that aside from making serving girls blush, Seamus had other ambitions. The flirtatious cad was maneuvering feverishly to get his hand onto the knee of the haughty, well-endowed blonde seated at his right. The man had not yet succeeded, but his determination was unmistakable.

The Innkeeper was fixing a broken chair just a few yards from where Merlin and Arthur were seated. "Heather," the young man called, "Will you please help me for a moment?"

The girl dutifully appeared in front of him and held two pieces of wood together while the innkeeper lashed them. He tried to catch her eye. "It was market day. Do you need me to help you carry your things home tonight?"

"Thanks Janus, that's kind of you. But no, I can carry it all just fine. Besides, Seamus asked me to come hear him play tonight, and it may be late when I head home. Thanks for offering, though." Within moments the girl had returned to the customers.

The innkeeper's face remained steady, but his eyes spoke volumes to the men who stealthily watched him. It was quite honestly a bit heartbreaking.

"The chap is going about this all wrong," said Arthur.

"And you know this because...?" asked Merlin.

"I think the results speak for themselves," Arthur said, gesturing toward the Innkeeper.

"This would also be my point," said Merlin, thinking of Gwen. Arthur looked at him dismissively, not understanding, and then stood up.

"What are you doing?" Merlin asked.

"I'm going to give our clueless friend here a few pointers, so he can rescue his lady from that idiotic musician."

"I'm not sure that's wise," said Merlin.

Arthur, as usual, ignored him.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who has been sending in one-word reviews. They're so fun! This is your big chance to use those lovely words that never seem to get enough attention, or that may tell us a little something fun about you. Special credit goes to Sui Generis Paroxysm, for making me go to the dictionary TWICE and come away laughing each time. And I'm also feeling really good about myself because DarkAvenger and Eavis both independently chose the same word, which must mean my story really is what they said it is, right? But now, Gentle Readers, on with the tale...**_

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><p>"I like this Janus," said Arthur, as he and Merlin walked outside. "The man is an excellent innkeeper. Quite a sensible fellow."<p>

Merlin had to agree. The building was spotless, the guests were comfortable, the workers were both genial and efficient, and the food was good. Janus was a tall man in his early twenties. He had an easy smile, but his stature and intelligence made people think twice before trying to cheat him. Merlin had learned that Janus was not the owner of the inn, but it was easy to see how the man had won such an important position at such a young age.

Merlin's curiosity became unbearable. "So what did you two talk about?"

"I gave him a few tips on how girls like to be treated."

"Oh?"

"Girls love compliments. I advised him to flatter her."

"Arthur, that's..." Merlin was a bit speechless.

"Brilliant, I know."

"That's not exactly what I was thinking."

"Oh, what would you know about it? I've seen it work on girls before. Morgana lights up over that sort of thing."

Merlin gave him a wry look.

"Shut up, Merlin."

"Did I say something?"

"You were thinking it."

"No I wasn't."

"Yes, you were."

"No I wasn't."

"_Mer_lin, why don't you go fetch some water and oats for the horses?"

The companions spent the afternoon checking on their horses, walking the length of the town (no great distance), and snoozing. After such exertion, both prince and servant managed to be ravenous by suppertime and enjoyed another excellent meal at the inn. By the time Heather had cleared away their dishes and Janus had refilled their cups, the musician had arrived to begin his performance. Merlin and Arthur settled into their seats to watch the show.

Seamus was not a bad musician. He had a good voice and a wickedly sharp sense of humor. He sang the usual ballads, but his versions tended to be absurdly comedic rather than romantic. He also performed a couple of songs he had written himself. Merlin especially enjoyed the one about the royal family in Camelot, which characterized Uther as a bit of a cuckold, and Arthur as having taken a few too many blows to the head. Arthur rolled his eyes at the sheer audacity of the song, and he most certainly did not laugh at it … much.

Heather watched Seamus with rapt attention, and her eyes glowed whenever he looked her way.

Janus stayed busy looking after his patrons, but as the musician stepped outside to take a break, Arthur and Merlin watched the innkeeper cross the room to speak with Heather. They couldn't hear the conversation, but this is what they saw.

Janus took Heather's hand, looked into her eyes, and said a few sentences.

Heather looked at him with a great deal of surprise on her face.

Janus bent and kissed her hand.

Heather pulled her hand away abruptly and took two steps backward.

Janus took one step forward.

Heather turned to walk to a chair, picked it up and carried it to Janus. Then she pushed the big man toward it.

Janus obediently sat down.

Heather placed her hand on his forehead. With a concerned look on her face, she went to the kitchen and returned with a cup of water. She handed it to Janus and seemed to wait expectantly.

Janus obediently drank from the cup.

Heather picked up her apron and began to fan the man.

After a few minutes, Seamus returned to his place at the front, and Heather returned to watch the rest of the performance.

"What just happened?" said Arthur to Merlin.

Merlin ventured a guess. "Flattery?"


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin was feeding and grooming the horses while Arthur sat helpfully on a rail, watching. Janus entered the stable, picked up a broom, and began tidying up.

"Ah, Janus, good morning," said Arthur.

"And good morning to you," said Janus. "I hope you slept well."

"I did, thank you."

Janus looked over at Merlin. "And how did you sleep, sir?"

Arthur realized they hadn't been properly introduced. "Oh, excuse me. This is Merlin. He's my... " Arthur had been about to say "servant", but stopped himself, wishing to protect the assumption that they were common travelers. "He's my friend."

Merlin beamed.

"Nice to know you," said Janus.

Janus and Merlin worked while Arthur sat strenuously contemplating.

At last Arthur made a vehement exclamation. "It makes absolutely no sense to me that your pretty little serving girl would pass up someone like you for that musician."

"I have to admit it has caused me more than a little dismay," said Janus.

Arthur continued his rant. "Tell the truth, Janus. Didn't you know the first moment you saw Shamus that the man was a complete idiot?"

"I suppose I didn't want to be harsh," said Janus.

" I don't think 'Idiot' is a harsh word, but... I agree it's not quite the _right_ one. Merlin's a bit of an expert with words. Merlin?"

"Yes, Arthur?" Merlin walked over and indolently leaned on the rail beside him.

"Tell us. What are some other words that mean 'idiot'?"

Merlin raised an eyebrow. "You seriously want me to answer that?"

"Yes."

Merlin smiled cheekily at Arthur and made every word count. "Dimwit, bonehead, blockhead, simpleton, dumbbell, dunce, fool, ignoramus, imbecile, cretin, muttonhead, moron, twit, nincompoop, nitwit..."

"That will do," said Arthur.

Merlin nodded respectfully, before returning to his work. "My pleasure, Arthur."

"Perhaps 'ignoramus' is more suited to the man," said Arthur thoughtfully. "The point is, there has surely got to be a way for you to win your girl's heart from someone like him."

Janus laughed genially. "From your lips to God's ears," he said.

"I've been thinking about your options. I've had a few ideas."

"God help us," muttered Merlin.

Arthur threw a piece of saddle at him and continued speaking. "You could make her jealous – you know, threaten to forget her."

Janus considered this. "Alas, I fear she might not notice nor care," he said.

Arthur plowed ahead. "You could also cajole her. A good scolding might make the girl feel guilty for ignoring you."

"Perhaps," said Janus doubtfully.

Arthur looked at Janus appraisingly, as if deciding if he should suggest the next one. "You could plead."

"I _could_ do that," said Janus, gravely.

"I know it's not something a man ever wants to have to do," said Arthur.

"No," said Janus, "it is not. But if it worked it might be worth the cost."

Arthur thought of Guinevere. "Yes. The cost would be quite high, but it might be worth it."

They were all silent for a few moments. The only sounds were the scraping of the broom, the occasional whinny of a horse, and the incessant morning chirping of the birds outside. Then Arthur sighed heavily.

"It's uncanny the power they wield over us."

Both Merlin and Janus sighed heavily in reply.

"I'll be in my room," said Arthur, and he exited the stable.

Janus and Merlin worked quietly for a few moments. Then Janus spoke.

"Merlin, I have to ask it, so please forgive me. Is your friend Arthur of royal blood?"

Merlin looked down, searching for a witty way to avoid the question, but Janus gave him no chance by saying, "He's King Uther's son, Prince Arthur." It was no longer a question. "It's alright Merlin. You don't have to say anything. I can understand his desire to be anonymous. I won't tell anyone."

Merlin smiled sheepishly. Then he laughed. Then, after a long moment, he looked at the innkeeper seriously. "Janus, if you feel Arthur is wrong, you don't have to obey him. Certainly not in matters of the heart. Arthur isn't giving you orders – just... bad advice."

Janus nodded with a smile but spoke seriously. "I will honor my sovereign, and Heaven will bless me for it."

"Do you really believe that?" asked Merlin.

"I do," said Janus.

"Then Godspeed," said Merlin with a smile.

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><p>That afternoon, Arthur and Merlin looked out of their window to see Janus in the back yard kneeling before a frustrated and embarassed-looking Heather. He was clearly making his attempt to plead. The girl was vigorously shaking her head. Finally, she stomped her foot and pointed imperiously toward the door of the inn. Janus stood, turned away to face the door, and slowly walked toward it. Heather watched him go for a moment, then shook herself, turned, and walked determinedly in the opposite direction.<p>

Both Arthur and Merlin were in shock after the carnage they had just witnessed.

"No man should ever have to go through that," said Arthur.

"No man," said Merlin.

Some things were simply too horrific to follow with words.


	5. Chapter 5

Arthur and Merlin were bored.

"Merlin, tell me some other words for 'bored.'"

Merlin thought about it.

It was afternoon, and the companions were sitting beside the creek which ran near the backyard of the inn. The blacksmith had not yet returned, and the afternoon had begun to seem interminable.

"Well?" said Arthur.

"I can't think of anything. I think 'bored' is the only word that means 'bored'."

"I can't believe that. How about 'disinterested'?"

"Doesn't mean the same thing," said Merlin.

"Apathetic?"

"No."

"Lethargic?"

"Not quite."

"Wearied?"

"Nice try, but no."

After an hour spent throwing rocks into the water and investigating the unnatural powers of water-bugs, they saw Janus approaching the creek with a bucket to collect some mop water. When the young man noticed Arthur and Merlin, he walked over to them with a smile.

"Afternoon, gentlemen."

"Good afternoon," said Arthur. "No blacksmith yet?"

"Still no blacksmith. I'll send you word as soon as he rides into town. I can't imagine it being much longer."

"How is your lady today?" asked Merlin.

"She's avoiding me," said Janus sheepishly. "Can't say I blame her. But I tried, and that's something."

Arthur shuddered at the memory of the scene in the yard. "There has got to be a way to win her yet," he said.

Janus sighed.

"You could brood."

Janus brightened. "Ah, I thought of that too. I _am_ brooding."

"You are?"

"I've been brooding all day."

Arthur recalled all of the instances wherein he had seen Janus at work since breakfast. "How is this 'brooding'?"

"I've been preoccupied with depressing, morbid, and painful memories since I woke this morning."

"That's not brooding!"

Merlin interjected, "Technically, it is."

"It's not at all how I would go about it," said Arthur.

"Obviously," said Merlin, thinking of the myriad objects that had been thrown at his head in the past month.

"Never mind, Janus," said Arthur. "I can see now that the technique is not going to work for you."

"I concur," said Merlin.

"Alas," said Janus rather sullenly.

"If only we understood better what women find enticing," said Arthur. "Ask them what they want and they prattle on about romance, but if you do the things they specify, I'm told they never work."

"May I ask who's been telling you this?" asked Merlin.

"The knights."

"Ah," said Merlin, completely failing to hide his amusement.

"Could you, by chance, be romantic?" asked Arthur.

"Well," said Janus reflectively, "I would if I knew what that word meant."

"Merlin?" Arthur looked at his servant expectantly.

Merlin answered with complete accuracy. "I have no idea," he said.

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><p>That evening at supper Arthur was quiet. The usual antics went on in the great room: Janus worked stoically, Heather smiled at everyone (but most especially at the musician), and Seamus continued subtly trying to woo his buxom blonde. They watched for a while, and then Arthur spoke.<p>

"Is it hopeless, Merlin?"

"What do you mean?" asked Merlin.

"Janus is a good man. He deserves to be happy. But he can't win the lady if she doesn't want to be won."

"Sad, but true," said Merlin.

"What if that man were me?"

Merlin understood. He looked seriously at his agonized friend, trying to think of a way to advise him and perhaps ease his mind.

"Arthur, I believe when you get to the heart of it, there's only one way to handle a woman."

Arthur raised an eyebrow at him, inviting him to continue.

"Just love her. Everything else can ring false, but not that."

Arthur was listening, but he did not understand. "What will that do for me?"

"It might not do anything for you. She may not do what you wish. She may not love you back. She may not even hear you out. But if you love her, she will know. She will know that she is loved. Sometimes that can be more powerful than armies or magic or anything else on this earth."

Merlin stopped talking, and Arthur was a little surprised by how sad and distant his companion suddenly seemed.

"That's it?" Arthur asked. "Just love her?"

"Just love her," said Merlin.

Arthur rolled his eyes and shook his head with an obnoxious smile, so that Merlin wouldn't think this "just love her" business had had any effect on him. But he did begin to think about it.

Merlin, being wise, understood and held his peace.


	6. Chapter 6

When Arthur and Merlin appeared for breakfast at mid-morning, Janus was nowhere to be found in the inn. It was Heather who greeted them at their table with her usual smile and a cheerful "Good morning!"

"Good morning," said Arthur, unable to resist smiling back.

"I hope you slept well. Shall I bring you some breakfast?"

"We'd love some," said Arthur.

"I'll be off to fetch it, then. But," she paused, "I was asked to give you a message as soon as you were up. The blacksmith is back – returned late last night. The man's agreed to shoe your horse this morning. You'll find the smithy open when you go there."

"That's excellent news!" said Arthur. "Thank you."

Merlin smiled at her. "Just out of curiosity, where is Janus?"

At the mention of the innkeeper's name a shadow almost imperceptibly crossed the girl's face, but she carried on genially enough. "I'm not sure where he is. He said he had errands to run. Said he'd be back by tonight." The girl curtsied sweetly and excused herself to the kitchen.

The companions were mildly dismayed at the news that Janus was away. "I'd be sorry not to see the fellow before we depart," said Arthur.

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><p>The blacksmith proved affable as well as adept, and Arthur could tell his horse was in good hands. After completely re-shoeing Arthur's horse, he gave Merlin's horse an inspection and re-shod it as well. He chatted with the travelers as he worked, and the morning passed pleasantly.<p>

As the blacksmith told stories of fishing in the lake country, Merlin looked outside just in time to notice Janus on the road in the distance. The big man seemed to be pulling a large handcart laden with wood. Merlin noticed that Janus was _not_ traveling in the direction of the inn. He motioned for Arthur to look as well.

"Good," said Arthur. "Well ride that way when we're done here. Perhaps we'll get to say goodbye after all."

An hour later the two rode out. Arthur's excellent tracking skills proved handy, and in less than fifteen minutes they crested a small wooded ridge, dismounted, and peered down through the trees at their quarry.

Janus was chopping a mountain of firewood and stacking it against a shed beside a little ivy-covered cottage. Merlin had been about to call to the man, but something happened which silenced him. Heather, struggling to carry two heavy sacks, walked into their view. The girl approached Janus, set the sacks down, put her hands on her hips, and stomped her foot.

"What are you doing here?" she demanded.

Janus nearly jumped the height of the roof. "Heather," he said. "I... heard you were out of firewood."

"My firewood is none of your business! You shouldn't be here. You should be at the _inn_." The girl was clearly not pleased.

"I wanted to surprise you," said Janus, shrinking just a bit.

"Well, I'm surprised!" she said angrily.

Janus said nothing.

"You are completely infuriating!" the girl said, brushing none-too-gently past him to open her door, walk inside, and slam it shut.

Janus stood watching after her for several seconds. Then he picked up his ax, placed another log onto the chopping block, and returned to his work.

Merlin and Arthur exchanged horrified looks.

The door opened and Heather returned to the clearing to pick up her bags. They were obviously heavy, and Janus immediately took them from her and carried them to her door.

"Janus, you have to stop this!" The girl pushed the big man's chest, although it did absolutely nothing to move him. She had shouted, but now her voice became far softer. "Janus, please. You must know that this isn't going to change anything. I love someone else."

"I know," he said simply. "But I'll finish chopping the wood anyway."

Heather looked heavenward. "What am I going to do with him?" she said to the sky.

Janus just looked at her with a gentle little smile.

The girl noticed the smile, threw up her hands, and then stormed back into her house, slamming the door again.

Janus returned to the ax, logs and block, as if nothing had happened to interrupt him.

Arthur and Merlin were dumbfounded.

"Should we go talk to him?" asked Arthur.

"I don't know," said Merlin.

"I don't know either," said Arthur candidly.

They stood watching for a few moments, considering.

The door opened again and Heather stormed outside. She walked right up to Janus, stepped up onto a piece of wood so as to look him fiercely in the eyes, and then suddenly kissed him.

For a moment Janus looked just as shocked as the two men secretly watching – but only for a moment. It didn't take the man long at all to know exactly what to do. And he did it long and handily.

It took everything Arthur and Merlin had to not give themselves away right then and there. They laughed, slapped each other on the back, jumped, and quite possibly even cried all at once. If Heather and Janus had not been completely preoccupied with each other, the watchers surely would have been discovered. It could not be helped, for Arthur and Merlin very nearly exploded with happiness.

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><p>Arthur and Merlin opted to stay one more night at the inn, though they did not even hint at what they had seen.<p>

That evening Janus worked as diligently as ever for his customers, but he openly grinned a little more often than usual. Heather was genial and sweet with everyone, but she had a new kind of smile which she reserved only for the innkeeper. Seamus strummed his instrument and flirted, and noticed with frustration that his mug seemed to stay empty far longer than he liked.

Arthur and Merlin were content to watch it all.

In the morning the companions bid Janus and Heather a fond farewell. Arthur was flabbergasted when Janus would not accept even one coin in payment for their stay.

"Serving you brought me good fortune, sir," said Janus. "I cannot take your money. Goodbye!"

Back home in Camelot, Arthur remained Arthur. He still ate like a horse, slept like a log, brooded frequently and threw objects regularly. If something new was at work within him, no one noticed.

Except perhaps Guinevere.

**THE END**


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